


Internal Darkness

by nursal1060



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Gore, Confused Romano, Dark, Darktalia, Feels, Gay Lovers, Hopeful Ending, Hospital, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Knives, Lovers, M/M, No Smut, Pain, Romano, Sad, Sadtalia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shounen-ai, Spain, Spain/South Italy - Freeform, Suicidal Spain, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, World Meeting (Hetalia), Yaoi, all feels, aph, sad feels, spamano - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 17:49:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7473921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nursal1060/pseuds/nursal1060
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Antonio seems so happy and cheery all the time. How could he do the unthinkable to himself?  Lovino and all the other countries are left wondering what caused the spainiard to go so far to try to end his pain... (TW! Darktalia!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Internal Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> My first Spamano fic, written for someone who likes sadtalia AND spamano together.  
> TW!!!! SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND URGES, BLOOD, AND INTENSE FEELS! Please do not read if you are easily triggered.  
> Sadtalia WITH a happy ending.

Lovino tried to put the murmurs of their her nations out of his mind as he left the meeting to find out the fate of his boyfriend, Antonio. Some of the comments rang in his head while the driver drove him to the hospital.  
“He didn't seem like the type to do that.”  
“Tony looks so happy all the time. This side of him scares me.”  
“Dude, I knew he was always crazy, but during a meeting?”  
“He always seemed a bit insane, no one could genuinely smile like that.”  
“Tonio does know nations cannot die, correct? He must have been doing this for attention.”  
Lovino grunted. That last comment infuriated him. How dare these bastardos talk about Antonio like they knew him?!  
Well...Antonio hid this from him too.  
Lovino had read some of the spaniard's journals when he would be away on long expeditions or on the high seas during his pirating age. Lovino always assumed that Antonio was just being overdramatic and that he was just stressed out.  
He was just as oblivious as the rest.  
And now...his older boyfriend was in the hospital covered in self inflicted stab wounds. Antonio used everything from sharp pens to a small pocket knife to leave marks everywhere.  
Lovino closed his eyes as the driver kept going. Gently rubbing his eyelids, he recalled the traumatizing visual he saw about an hour ago…

One of the meeting room assistants grew worried because the personification of Spain did not return to his seat after leaving half an hour after he left. She looked around in the other rooms and called for him. “Mr. Carriedo? Are you alright?”  
She was hesitant to look on the bathroom, but moments after she went in, she ran back out, screaming hysterically.  
The room was in its usual arguing mode as she came back screaming. “Mr. Carriedo...someone call an ambulance please!! Hurry, please!! There's so much blood!”  
Lovino was one of the first to jump out of his seat and follow the assistant back to the bathroom. She shakily pointed as she stood outside the bathroom itself. She was too frightened to go back inside.  
Lovino quickly saw why. It shook him to the core to see his boyfriend like that.  
Antonio was propped up against the wall opposite the door, leaning his back against it. Bloodied pens, scissors, and the pocketknife he used with extremely close to him, the knife still in his fingers. His head fell forward a little, making him appear to be dead. There was blood on the wall behind him, the floor in front of him, and splatter marks on the walls and stalls to the sides.  
Lovino felt everything stop, time itself stop. He wanted to run up and hug Antonio and call him a bastardo for doing this to himself. But he couldn't. His legs didn't respond.  
He fell to his knees, and didn't process anything until long after the medics removed his boyfriend from the scene.

Lovino opened his eyes. Why would Antonio do this? He could understand if he did in the pirate era, because of his old journals, but not now.  
Antonio had everything going for him. Decent economy, rich culture, international recognition, great treaties and national respect. Yet for some reason, he had violently hurt himself in that bathroom, which if a human had tried, would most certainly have died.  
Whatever happened to Antonio must've been horrifying. Lovino had to know why.  
This wasn't like the boyfriend he knew and loved…

Lovino was the first in the hospital for his boyfriend. The hall that he entered was very quiet. Doctors came in and out of his room without a word or explanation, and Lovino, as a result, had to stay outside the room for another hour.  
Lovino eyed each doctor coming in with clean scrubs, leaving covered in blood or with bloody instruments. Lovino shuddered with each person entering and exiting.  
He lowered his head into his closed his hands and prayed. He hadn’t been religious in years, but he had to pray now. Even if Antonio physically couldn’t die, it didn’t make Lovino any less concerned. He prayed to all gods, any that would listen, and fought back tears.

Antonio opened his eyes right after surgery and After a little bit, the doctors okayed Lovino to enter.  
Lovino was petrified when he saw Antonio afterwards. He couldn’t count how many bandages he could see just on Antonio’s arms and chest alone, big and small. Antonio looked like he was barely awake, his eye bags were so dark, and his eyes were dull, completely devoid of emotion. There were several IVs in each arm.  
The nurse asked him if he wanted to talk alone, and Lovino said, “Si, of course.” The doctors left the room, but they left the door open, as Antonio wasn’t out of critical condition yet. Lovino silently took a seat besides the bed and shifted uncomfortably. He could see the marks on Antonio’s neck, and was afraid that he had injured his vocal chords in the frenzy.  
Antonio was quiet too until he said out of the blue, “I suppose...you want to why...right, Lovi?”  
Lovino nodded, “Yes, idiota! You’re my lover, of course I want to!”  
Antonio chuckled somberly and looked into Lovino’s eyes, “I wanted to die, Lovi. So...badly…”  
Lovino felt the color drain from his face, and his attitude vanished in an instant. He asked softly, “W-Why? You know we can’t die, idiota…”  
Antonio chuckled flatly, “I know...I just...I wanted the pain to end. To stop after so many centuries of putting on a brave face.” He leaned forward and grunted before whispering, “I’m hurting Lovi...my heart is hurting...it's been hurting for so long that I've become numb, mi amor. The pain was a welcome feeling to all the numbness…” Lovino couldn't believe what he was hearing Antonio say. This sounded nothing like the man who smiled everyday, who loved everyone unconditionally, and loved life. This couldn't be him… It brought tears to Lovino’s eyes.  
Antonio leaned back against the bed, saying, “Lo siento. I hurt you. I will not force you to stay with me Lovi...you can leave me now if you want...I would understand…no one could want to love a man in such agony…” Lovino was hurt. He was in shock and he was hurt. Antonio suffered for so long in silence. And now that he finally shared his pain, he was expecting Lovino to stop loving him and walk away from him.  
“I-Idiota!!” Antonio was a little taken aback by Lovino’s sudden raise of tone. “Bastardo! How could you think that hiding this from me would help shield me!? I thought you were the one who said that said you were going to let the both of us be honest, no?!”  
Antonio couldn’t hide the surprise on his face, “Lovi…”  
Lovino didn’t stop speaking, “You mean so much to me Espana! You had me so scared for the last hour, I prayed more than I’ve prayed in centuries because I was worried! We were supposed to be honest! I am honest with you! How can you not be honest with me?!” There were tears streaming down his face as he scolded his injured lover. He was hurt, but not entirely angry. Lovino wiped his tears knowing that Antonio had his pain for so long, thinking about Lovino’s comfort and best interests, protecting him at the cost of his own feelings. Lovino watched Antonio’s gaze lower.  
He mouthed, “I am sorry….lo siento Lovi. I never...meant for you to-”  
Lovino leaned closer, “I know, but I am not un bebe anymore, I am a man. Your lover. Your best friend, Tonio. Please...let me shoulder some of your burdens…”He locked lips briefly with Antonio as he lay back against the headboard. The silence with the soft drip of the IV fluids was welcoming to all of the day’s commotion.  
Antonio took a breath as they parted, promising, “I will not hide from you anymore…”  
Lovino smiled, “Grazie...you are such a sweet bastardo…” He pressed his forehead to Antonio’s injured one and they both smiled gently at each other, cheeks wet with tears, and hearts filled with acceptance.


End file.
